You may say I'm a dreamer.

Would you say that I'm a dream chaser? That whole concept is tricky. I think the first place to start is to figure out if the dreams are even yours to chase. But how do you know? I mean, I don't want to waste my time chasing Beau's dreams or Ellie's dreams or even Rob Bell's dreams. I want to chase my own. My own.

I want to do something for me. Is that selfish?

Probably not. At least not if my dreams are meant to benefit others in some way. But what if my dreams are selfish? Somehow self-serving? What then? And what if other people think my dreams are silly? Are they still worth dreaming? Or, for that matter, chasing?

It sure is easier to just live life, without the dreaming. The dreaming makes it confusing. But, as the pioneer woman said about her quilt making, "I make them warm to keep my family from freezing. And I make them beautiful to keep my heart from breaking." Yes. I dream to keep my heart from breaking.

To be loved. There is nothing greater.

Il m'aime.

Merci. Je suis humilié.

Mon Dieu.

To call it JOY

I'm oh, so tired today. How can that time change thing kick my butt so badly?! Sheesh.

So this morning I was wearing a tank top--far too revealing for what I currently weigh, but I was at home and it was my pajamas--and I picked Ellie up from the floor where she'd been lying while she drank her bottle. I held her upright while she burped, and then I jumped us up and over to the high chair for the second course of her breakfast. It was odd that I felt something warm on my chest, so I looked down to see her spit up running inside of my tank top. Nice.

It's windy today. I have a great desire to galavant along the beach. Unfortunately it's also raining today. I'll probably stay inside.

Have I mentioned that I'm tired? I am. But I've gotten plenty of sleep, I think, and it's not that kind of tired anyway. I'm tired of the news. I'm tired of the negativity. I'm tired of feeling like nothing exciting happens in my life. I'm tired of thinking that I don't fully exist. I'm tired of not living. I'm tired of not getting things done even though I want to do them. I'm tired of not losing any weight. I'm tired of this life I'm living. If you can even call it that. I want to live a new life. I want to live the life that God has given me. I want to live. Yes. I want to attack this life with the energy that Ellie attacks her bottles and me when I pick her up from the baby sitter. I want to realize that I can't play with my toys fast enough.

I think that Ellie and I will go for a walk when she wakes up. We might even go to the beach.