Five Years Ago Today.

. . . My heart was breaking. What a year 2001 was. I wish for all the world that I could forget the days of that year, and yet I pray with all my heart that I never do. The things we learned that year changed our lives forever. We endured so much that year, and we learned that we are survivors.

Five years ago today was just over five months after Beau and I separated . . . and just over four months after we reconciled. Praise God for His blessings and provision for our marriage. The cross was for our restoration.

Five years ago today was just under four months since we received a phone call telling us that the twin brother of our best friend had died. Praise God for His sustaining peace that somehow carries us through horrors. The cross was for our grief.

Five years ago today was 2 1/2 weeks after another horrible phone call revealed that my darling cowboy cousin had been killed. Praise God for His wisdom and plans which are greater than us--even when they seem insane. The cross was for our anger.

Five years ago today was five days after I first cradled my niece in my arms, hopeful that the world would somehow continue. Praise God for His beauty and the newness of promise in the eyes of a newborn . . . where you can see His reflection. The cross was for our humility.

Five years ago today I sat paralyzed. Cursing what was happening. In shock. Numb to the world. Aching for friends. Confused. Weary. Shaking a fist at God. From His lap. Pounding my fists on His chest. Crying myself dry. Horrified at what might happen next. Afraid to watch but too in shock to turn away. Awestruck at humanity and mortality and the smallness of who I am. The cross was for more than we can comprehend.

I know you bore our sorrows
I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less even if it could be explained
I know that I am only lashing out at the one who loves me most
And after I have figured this, somehow all I really need to know is if

You who live in eternity
hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can’t see what’s ahead and
we cannot get free of what we’ve left behind
I’m reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can’t see how you’re leading me unless you’ve led me here
Where I’m lost enough to let myself be led
And so, you’ve been here all along I guess
It’s just your ways and you are just plain hard to get
- Rich Mullins, "Hard to Get"

"You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God." - Graham Greene